Wedding RSVP etiquette: deadlines, questions and reminders

The RSVP is the least romantic part of planning a wedding, and the one that brings the most peace of mind when it is done well. Your caterer’s numbers, the table plan, the coach and the right plate for a guest with a nut allergy all depend on it. Here is when to ask, how to word it, what to include and what to do about the guests who go quiet.

When should the RSVP deadline be for a wedding?

You ask for replies with the invitation, which for a UK wedding usually goes out six to eight weeks before the day. The deadline itself is set by your caterer rather than by you. Most want final numbers a few weeks out, and many contracts charge for every confirmed cover whether or not the guest turns up.

How to work out your own reply-by date

Count backwards. If the venue wants final numbers three weeks before, set your RSVP date four or five weeks before: that leaves a week to chase the stragglers and a week of breathing room for the table plan. Always include the day of the week: “by Friday 14 May” sticks far better than “a month before the wedding”.

How to word an RSVP request

“RSVP” comes from the French répondez s’il vous plaît and is perfectly correct on a British invitation. Formal invitations often use “The favour of a reply is requested”; most couples now write something plainer. What matters is a date and one clear way to reply. If you are still drafting the rest, our guide to wedding invitation wording covers the full order and plenty of examples.

The favour of a reply is requested by Friday 14 May
Reply to Emma Hughes, 12 Mill Lane, Bath BA1 2AB

We would love you to be there.
Kindly reply by Friday 14 May on our website,
where you can choose your menu and tell us about any allergies.

Join us for the evening celebration from 7.30pm
RSVP by Friday 14 May, so we can plan the food and the dancing.

And one rule that will save you a lot of grief: a single way to reply. If some guests text, some ring your mother and some use the website, you will end up with three lists that don’t match. If a friend says yes over dinner, write it down that same evening.

What to ask on your wedding RSVP

Every extra question is one more that someone won’t answer. Think about what you will do with each reply; if it has nowhere to go, leave it out.

The essentials

• Full name of the person replying.
• Attending or not. Make “no” as easy to send as “yes”: you need that answer too.
• Plus-ones, with their names if they will appear on the table plan.
• Menu choice: meat, fish, vegetarian or children’s, if your caterer offers a choice.
• Allergies and intolerances for everyone in the reply.

What depends on your wedding

• Day or evening. If you have both, make sure each guest knows which they are invited to.
• Transfers or the coach, especially for a venue in the countryside or abroad.
• Children: how many and how old, and whether there is a children’s menu.
• Welcome drinks or a recovery brunch, if you are hosting something the day before or after.

Many British caterers ask for a full pre-order (starter, main and pudding) for the wedding breakfast. If yours does, check with them whether a single main-course choice on the RSVP is enough, or whether you will need to collect the rest separately nearer the time.

What to leave out

The reason someone can’t come, the details of an allergy “just out of interest”, or information you already have. And don’t make the message to the couple compulsory: anyone who wants to write will.

The RSVP form in our designs asks exactly this: name, whether you are coming, the number of plus-ones, menu choice, allergies and intolerances for the whole party (with a box for details) and an optional message. You can try it in the Azahar demo, with its garden arches and Seville orange blossom, just as a guest would. Our guide to what a wedding website should include covers the other sections that sit alongside the RSVP.

How to ask about dietary requirements and allergies

Asking about allergies is a kindness, not admin. The practical approach is to offer the most common ones as tick boxes and leave a free-text box for the detail: “lactose-free” is not the same as a severe milk allergy. The NHS points out that a food allergy is different from a food intolerance⁠ (opens in a new tab), and that a serious allergic reaction can need hospital treatment, so the details matter.

For reference, food businesses must provide information on 14 allergens, which GOV.UK lists in its allergen guidance for food businesses⁠ (opens in a new tab): celery, cereals containing gluten, crustaceans, eggs, fish, lupin, milk, molluscs, mustard, peanuts, sesame, soybeans, sulphur dioxide and sulphites, and tree nuts. Your caterer knows what is in each dish; your job is to tell them who needs what.

Any allergies, intolerances or dietary requirements we should know about?
We will share them only with our caterer, to prepare your meal.

Privacy: allergies are health information

Information about someone’s health is what the ICO calls special category data⁠ (opens in a new tab), which UK GDPR protects more strictly. A wedding is a private affair, but the principle of data minimisation⁠ (opens in a new tab) is still a good guide: hold only what is adequate, relevant and necessary for the purpose, which here is the menu.

In practice, four habits:

1. Say why you are asking. One line is enough.
2. Share it with the caterer only, not the group chat or the whole family.
3. Keep allergies off printed place cards next to names; caterers have their own ways of marking plates.
4. Delete it after the wedding.

Plus-ones and children: making clear who is invited

This is where most misunderstandings start. The golden rule: the invitation is for the people named on it, so write their names in full.

• If a guest may bring someone, say so: “Sophie and guest” or, better still, with the partner’s name.
• If not, a kind line heads off the awkward question: “We have reserved one seat in your name.”
• For an adults-only wedding, say it warmly and without over-explaining: “We have chosen to make our day an adults-only celebration, and hope you enjoy a night off.”

If someone replies with more plus-ones than you planned, ring them before they find out from the table plan. A quick conversation now is far easier than an extra table later.

What to do when wedding guests don’t RSVP

There is always someone. It is rarely rudeness: usually an unopened message or a “must reply to that”. This order works best:

1. Wait a week after the deadline. Plenty of people reply on the last day.
2. Send a personal message, never in the group chat. Short, with a new date and the link.
3. Call anyone still silent three or four days later.
4. Use a go-between for guests you know less well: a parent, a sibling, a mutual friend.
5. Give a final date. If there is still no answer, count them as not attending and tell them so, kindly.

RSVP reminder messages to copy

Hi Hannah! We’re finalising numbers with the caterer and haven’t had your reply yet. Could you let us know by Friday 21st if you can make it? Here’s the link: it only takes a minute. Lots of love!

Dear Auntie Margaret, we weren’t sure whether our invitation for 12 June reached you. We would love to have you both there. Could you let us know by the 21st whether you’ll be able to come? With much love.

Hi James, we’re giving the venue our final numbers tomorrow. If we don’t hear from you, we’ll assume you can’t make it this time, which is absolutely fine. We’ll miss you!

Keeping track of replies without losing your mind

A spreadsheet the two of you share is all you need. One row per guest (not per household) with these columns: name, whose side, guest or plus-one, day or evening, reply, menu, allergies, transfer, table and notes. Add the date each reply arrived, so you can see at a glance who needs chasing.

Three habits that prevent surprises:

• Log every reply on the day, however it arrives.
• One person keeps the list. The other can read it, not edit it.
• Give the caterer only what they need: the number of each menu and allergies by table, not the whole sheet.

If your guests come from more than one country, the RSVP should be in their language: nobody enjoys a form they can’t read. With our invitation and website packages, the website and its RSVP form come in three languages with Essential, four with Complete and as many as you need with Premium. At the bottom of this page you will find a printable RSVP checklist, stage by stage.

Common RSVP mistakes

When choosing a design, pick one where the RSVP is a tap away from any screen. Azahar keeps it in its menu of garden arches; Tramuntana, with olive trees and stone in the Mallorcan mountains, suits a wedding where everyone flies in; and Ivoire, in ivory silk with a golden seal, brings a quinta near Sintra to life. You can compare them all, each with a live demo, in our wedding website and invitation collection.